The rain drop touched the leaf and wished to hold on …
The leaf, lost in the embrace wished to stay in touch…
But the drop never asked if it could stay for a moment more..
And the leaf never asked the drop to stay back for a moment more..
And thus left the raindrop, to be lost in the earth waiting to hold her..
Leaving behind the lonely leaf waiting for the next drop that never came…
For a silent question that was never put to words…
For the question that was longed to be answered…but never heard..
The two souls parted, still wondering why..
Jun 30, 2007
A five rupee earned!
This painting looked elegant and different from the rest of them.
It’s easy to describe it, just five strokes of different colors.
One vertical, one horizontal, two diagonal and one encircling all the above.
And it was called “The Fanatic Illusions of a Distressed Mind”. How symbolic!
And the price of 2400/- was quite reasonable for such a fabulous piece of modern art.
I grabbed hold of the painting and moved out of the exhibition hall. This would adorn my living room in style.
It would be a perfect match for the French windows, the Persian curtains and the Italian sofa set.
Oh! What a day for my car driver to take leave. Now, I have to travel by an auto!.
I hate to travel by the rickety auto rickshaws! This dress that I bought just last week for 3000/- , now I have to take extra care not to ruin this by the auto ride!
And the rude auto drivers ?..It takes lot of pain to deal with them!
How I wish I had not fought with my husband in the morning. Else, I could ask him to pick me up.
Hmm..that was indeed a heated debate. And I broke the flower vase that he had bought from Singapore. ..worth 2800 Indian Rupees!
How he is crazy for all designer items!
Why else do you think I bought this designer tie for him that cost me Rs 4750, to calm him down :): )
And if that is not enough, I have booked a table for two in Taj..hmm another 5000 bucks gone..
But after all, its salary day..and I think we have worked hard enough for all these tiny extra spending!
Ok..so here I am at my house.
Oh oh..so now I have to fight with the auto driver..It was just 5 minutes ride and he is charging me Rs.20 !!!!!
Does he think that money grows on trees for us????
A debate for 10 minutes and finally we settle for 15…hurray hurray. I have saved five rupees at the end of the day!!!
I am smiling!
And the painting laughed at the auto driver. Who was still thinking how to make the 250 rupees he was short of, to pay the auto rent.
And it was the last day of the month!
……………….
It’s easy to describe it, just five strokes of different colors.
One vertical, one horizontal, two diagonal and one encircling all the above.
And it was called “The Fanatic Illusions of a Distressed Mind”. How symbolic!
And the price of 2400/- was quite reasonable for such a fabulous piece of modern art.
I grabbed hold of the painting and moved out of the exhibition hall. This would adorn my living room in style.
It would be a perfect match for the French windows, the Persian curtains and the Italian sofa set.
Oh! What a day for my car driver to take leave. Now, I have to travel by an auto!.
I hate to travel by the rickety auto rickshaws! This dress that I bought just last week for 3000/- , now I have to take extra care not to ruin this by the auto ride!
And the rude auto drivers ?..It takes lot of pain to deal with them!
How I wish I had not fought with my husband in the morning. Else, I could ask him to pick me up.
Hmm..that was indeed a heated debate. And I broke the flower vase that he had bought from Singapore. ..worth 2800 Indian Rupees!
How he is crazy for all designer items!
Why else do you think I bought this designer tie for him that cost me Rs 4750, to calm him down :): )
And if that is not enough, I have booked a table for two in Taj..hmm another 5000 bucks gone..
But after all, its salary day..and I think we have worked hard enough for all these tiny extra spending!
Ok..so here I am at my house.
Oh oh..so now I have to fight with the auto driver..It was just 5 minutes ride and he is charging me Rs.20 !!!!!
Does he think that money grows on trees for us????
A debate for 10 minutes and finally we settle for 15…hurray hurray. I have saved five rupees at the end of the day!!!
I am smiling!
And the painting laughed at the auto driver. Who was still thinking how to make the 250 rupees he was short of, to pay the auto rent.
And it was the last day of the month!
……………….
Time was ours, long time back!
“A minute for yours, pal, could you give me
And a cup of coffee ,together with me”
That’s my friend ; time was ours, long time back!
Sorry pal, I am busy
Hope you understand,
An hour earned is a dollar hundred
“A minute of yours, my love, could you give me
And the sunset at the beach, together with me”
That’s my love; time was ours, long time back
Sorry honey, I am busy
Hope you understand,
An hour earned is a dollar hundred
“A minute of yours Dad, could you give me
And a flower, could you draw for me”
That’s my sweetie pie; time was ours, long time back
Sorry sweetheart, I am busy
Hope you understand,
An hour earned is a dollar hundred
“Minutes of yours, over my child
Come with me to the world of timelessness”
That’s the messenger of the dark, come for me
Time is not mine, anymore now
“Could I have a minute of mine?
To have a coffee with my friend so dear
The sunset at the beach with my love so near
And a flower, for my sweetie, could I draw?”
That’s me, time was all mine, long time back!
“Sorry my child, I am busy”
Hope you understand
An hour was lost, for every dollar you earned!”
And I understand,
An hour lost is a life time lost
But I was so late, and the hour was lost!
And a cup of coffee ,together with me”
That’s my friend ; time was ours, long time back!
Sorry pal, I am busy
Hope you understand,
An hour earned is a dollar hundred
“A minute of yours, my love, could you give me
And the sunset at the beach, together with me”
That’s my love; time was ours, long time back
Sorry honey, I am busy
Hope you understand,
An hour earned is a dollar hundred
“A minute of yours Dad, could you give me
And a flower, could you draw for me”
That’s my sweetie pie; time was ours, long time back
Sorry sweetheart, I am busy
Hope you understand,
An hour earned is a dollar hundred
“Minutes of yours, over my child
Come with me to the world of timelessness”
That’s the messenger of the dark, come for me
Time is not mine, anymore now
“Could I have a minute of mine?
To have a coffee with my friend so dear
The sunset at the beach with my love so near
And a flower, for my sweetie, could I draw?”
That’s me, time was all mine, long time back!
“Sorry my child, I am busy”
Hope you understand
An hour was lost, for every dollar you earned!”
And I understand,
An hour lost is a life time lost
But I was so late, and the hour was lost!
Men and women!
He broke her heart, and told the world about it
The world called it great poetry
She broke his heart, and told the world about it
The world called it cruel treachery
And I know, the world is not of divine people
But mere earthly ‘men’ and ‘women’
The world called it great poetry
She broke his heart, and told the world about it
The world called it cruel treachery
And I know, the world is not of divine people
But mere earthly ‘men’ and ‘women’
Me and the Eagle
Me:
If I had wings to fly, I would soar so high
I would touch the clouds and say, I am free!
Eagle:
If I had brains to code, I would build an auto prey application
I would outsource my hunting and say, I am free!
If I had wings to fly, I would soar so high
I would touch the clouds and say, I am free!
Eagle:
If I had brains to code, I would build an auto prey application
I would outsource my hunting and say, I am free!
Who are you to me?
Pity the world, that gave names to relations.
Names so shallow, to call bonds so deep
Pity me, that I call you the same
The same I would, for every second fellow
How nice it would have been
If relations were not confined by names
Deeper than friends, broader than lovers
You could be you, I could be me
And still be part of each others soul.
Names so shallow, to call bonds so deep
Pity me, that I call you the same
The same I would, for every second fellow
How nice it would have been
If relations were not confined by names
Deeper than friends, broader than lovers
You could be you, I could be me
And still be part of each others soul.
Jun 27, 2007
Chasing his dream
"Amma...I want to have champakka*. Why don't we have chaampa** at home?
Today also, Sita, Arun and Mohan brought champakka...only we don't have chaampa at home."
His mother helped him with the school bag as he kept on complaining.
"Kanna...this is not our house na .You study well...get a good job and we will build our own house.
Then we will have lots of chaampas in our backyard"
That night, he dreamed of the big job he was going to get. And the mansion they would build, where every window opened to grab a chaampa by hand.
............................................................................
.............................................................................
It was summer again. The chaaampas bloomed again and the backyard looked pink with more and more chaampakka.
She collected all the champakka and wondered what to do with them.
And far far away, he waited impatiently in the one room apartment where every window opened to the busy street, for the home delivery of the double cheese crunch chicken pizza .
*chaampakka - Rose apple may be a translation for this delicious fruit!
** chaampa - The tree that bears chaampakka :)
Today also, Sita, Arun and Mohan brought champakka...only we don't have chaampa at home."
His mother helped him with the school bag as he kept on complaining.
"Kanna...this is not our house na .You study well...get a good job and we will build our own house.
Then we will have lots of chaampas in our backyard"
That night, he dreamed of the big job he was going to get. And the mansion they would build, where every window opened to grab a chaampa by hand.
............................................................................
.............................................................................
It was summer again. The chaaampas bloomed again and the backyard looked pink with more and more chaampakka.
She collected all the champakka and wondered what to do with them.
And far far away, he waited impatiently in the one room apartment where every window opened to the busy street, for the home delivery of the double cheese crunch chicken pizza .
*chaampakka - Rose apple may be a translation for this delicious fruit!
** chaampa - The tree that bears chaampakka :)
Jun 20, 2007
Monsoons and Me...Part1
It’s raining back in Kerala.
The monsoons…sadly they are not as enchanting as before.
All you hear is the wide variety of diseases spreading across all over the state and across the borders too !
Monsoons…those days of never ending rains…when you wake you up to the freshness of rain, live the entire day in her company and sleep cosily as she pampers you with the lullaby in the dark nights!
It was also on one of those monsoon days , I walked back to life from death.
May be the day I started believing that no problem is as big as the risk of losing your life.
Everyone who complaints about life and its problems should face a slight danger of life at least once!
Not that you become ever optimistic or ever positive. You would still curse life at times,you would still feel helpless,you would still feel lonely but ...many times it helps in acknowledging life better, ability to behold the beauty of little joys in life and also to convince oneself, its never time to quit till the last breath.
It was also on one of those monsoon days we lost Kochayan.
The only day in my life when I saw the helpless face of Papa.
The day and the scene has been deep rooted in my memories.
And the memory that gives me the strength to go on…the flexibility to sacrifice…the love to overcome my personal losses for my family…or for anyone who is close to your heart.
It was also on one of those monsoon days I realized my family was all ready to be broken into many branches from the main river.
Those days when I realized however hard we try, we have to give up what ever we are attached to ..at one point of time.
But it has also given me the courage to uphold that my emotions are not dampened by distance but it would be everlasting…
Memories…endless and countless…most of them too precious to be shared
Another monsoon…another year to look forward.
Yes I do miss the monsoons back home…and I love them even more as I miss them!
The monsoons that have formed an integral part of life…and those monsoons which will never be the same …
As she loses her youth, let me treasure her magical mystical beauty in my childhood memories…deep and safe.
The monsoons…sadly they are not as enchanting as before.
All you hear is the wide variety of diseases spreading across all over the state and across the borders too !
Monsoons…those days of never ending rains…when you wake you up to the freshness of rain, live the entire day in her company and sleep cosily as she pampers you with the lullaby in the dark nights!
It was also on one of those monsoon days , I walked back to life from death.
May be the day I started believing that no problem is as big as the risk of losing your life.
Everyone who complaints about life and its problems should face a slight danger of life at least once!
Not that you become ever optimistic or ever positive. You would still curse life at times,you would still feel helpless,you would still feel lonely but ...many times it helps in acknowledging life better, ability to behold the beauty of little joys in life and also to convince oneself, its never time to quit till the last breath.
It was also on one of those monsoon days we lost Kochayan.
The only day in my life when I saw the helpless face of Papa.
The day and the scene has been deep rooted in my memories.
And the memory that gives me the strength to go on…the flexibility to sacrifice…the love to overcome my personal losses for my family…or for anyone who is close to your heart.
It was also on one of those monsoon days I realized my family was all ready to be broken into many branches from the main river.
Those days when I realized however hard we try, we have to give up what ever we are attached to ..at one point of time.
But it has also given me the courage to uphold that my emotions are not dampened by distance but it would be everlasting…
Memories…endless and countless…most of them too precious to be shared
Another monsoon…another year to look forward.
Yes I do miss the monsoons back home…and I love them even more as I miss them!
The monsoons that have formed an integral part of life…and those monsoons which will never be the same …
As she loses her youth, let me treasure her magical mystical beauty in my childhood memories…deep and safe.
Jun 19, 2007
Boards dont hit back. Or do they?
"Boards don’t hit back” That’s Bruce Lee with a straight face.
I was watching Enter the Dragon for the 14th time now.
If given a choice, I would prefer to drench my hanky in tears watching some emotional drama.
But here I was…watching Bruce Lee…Why? Because Bob liked it.
That was the first time I tried liking everything that Bob liked.
There was a sudden urge to let him know I shared his interests…I could easily match with his frequency…
Often he told me “Jane..I get a feeling you are trying to like these things..and not really like them.Why do you have to do that Jane?”
All I would do then is to look deep into his eyes and he would change the topic without another word.
He said Waqar had a unique style. Yes I agreed. Waqar Younis was indeed very handsome.
And I started jumping in joy even when he clean bowled Tendulkar.
But later he told me he mentioned about the style of his reverse swing. I nodded dumbly.
Today, we were at the cafe and I was surprised when he ordered cold coffee.
The order was quite monotonous every time we went to cafe...hot coffee for him and cold coffee for me.
He often asked me how I could call something cold as coffee. Coffee had to be steaming hot...else don't drink it.That was his policy.
And I used to tell him...there is nothing like the sweetness of cold coffee...this was something which I could not compromise for his likes.
May be he was trying to like my likes? I felt a sudden jerk in me.
Bob saw me looking at him in surprise. He smiled.
"Jane...you don't need to stare at me like this! You know Richa?She loves cold coffee...So...I was...you know ...just trying..."
Was he blushing.!
Our orders arrived.
Cold coffee tasted very bitter today.
Sometimes boards do hit back!
I was watching Enter the Dragon for the 14th time now.
If given a choice, I would prefer to drench my hanky in tears watching some emotional drama.
But here I was…watching Bruce Lee…Why? Because Bob liked it.
That was the first time I tried liking everything that Bob liked.
There was a sudden urge to let him know I shared his interests…I could easily match with his frequency…
Often he told me “Jane..I get a feeling you are trying to like these things..and not really like them.Why do you have to do that Jane?”
All I would do then is to look deep into his eyes and he would change the topic without another word.
He said Waqar had a unique style. Yes I agreed. Waqar Younis was indeed very handsome.
And I started jumping in joy even when he clean bowled Tendulkar.
But later he told me he mentioned about the style of his reverse swing. I nodded dumbly.
Today, we were at the cafe and I was surprised when he ordered cold coffee.
The order was quite monotonous every time we went to cafe...hot coffee for him and cold coffee for me.
He often asked me how I could call something cold as coffee. Coffee had to be steaming hot...else don't drink it.That was his policy.
And I used to tell him...there is nothing like the sweetness of cold coffee...this was something which I could not compromise for his likes.
May be he was trying to like my likes? I felt a sudden jerk in me.
Bob saw me looking at him in surprise. He smiled.
"Jane...you don't need to stare at me like this! You know Richa?She loves cold coffee...So...I was...you know ...just trying..."
Was he blushing.!
Our orders arrived.
Cold coffee tasted very bitter today.
Sometimes boards do hit back!
All I need is a look...or a word?
“Sir, I am Preethy calling from ICICI bank. Can I talk to you for five minutes?”
This was not the first time Preethy was calling me. This was not the first time I was telling her I was not interested in her credit card. Why don’t some people just understand!
“Miss Preethy, will you, for God’s sake, shut up and get lost!!!"
Well..there could not be anything more to add to the bad day I am having. Sending the wrong documents to the wrong people, my boss overhearing when I was cribbing about him to my teammate, executing the wrong query and crashing the database...and my boss saying "Well Amit, you need to scale up your managerial skills".
Well I had enough already. And now to top with the repeated request for the credit card I never asked for nor am I interested in!
As I got into the bus, I was thinking what could make the day better for me...simply something which could wipe away the sour feeling of a bad day.
There she was...at the first row seat as usual.
There was something about her spring curls.And her honey colored skin..that was a perfect touch of natural beauty.
It was indeed a blessing , watch her enjoy every minute of her ride in her own way. Smile at the kids playing in the rain...help the old lady with her bag...smile at some thought unexpectedly.
Its awesome that such beauty comes with such a kind heart too..If only I could talk to her for a minute.If only I could simply ask her name...
/******************************************************************************************************************************/
"Boss, I got the same list yesterday also. And I contacted each one of them.And they are not interested in our credit card.".
"Look Preethy...its about perseverance and convincing your prospects and making them into customers. If we were to contact only the real needed ones, I needn't employ people like you over here. Do you understand that?"
Well...there couldn't be anything more to add to the bad day I am having. It was not the first time I was calling this Amit .And it was not the first time he was bashing me for disturbing him.
I know he doesn't need the credit card...but what could I do if boss adds his number to my list of prospects every other day!
As I got into the bus, I was thinking what could make the day better for me...simply something which could wipe away the sour feeling of a bad day.
There he was...at the second last seat as usual.
There was something about his innocent smile.In these days of only cunning ones.
It was indeed a blessing , watch him enjoy every minute of his ride in his own way. Smile at the kids playing in the rain...help the old man with the seat...smile at some thought unexpectedly.
Its awesome that such high profiles comes with such a kind heart too...If only I had his number in my list of callers...I wouldn't be having a bad day like this everyday!
..............................................................................................
Amit still receives Preethy's calls and he bashes her.
And wishes if he could talk to her in the bus, in the evening.
Preethy curses Amit after every call.
And wishes every evening if Amit could be in her prospects list the next day .
This was not the first time Preethy was calling me. This was not the first time I was telling her I was not interested in her credit card. Why don’t some people just understand!
“Miss Preethy, will you, for God’s sake, shut up and get lost!!!"
Well..there could not be anything more to add to the bad day I am having. Sending the wrong documents to the wrong people, my boss overhearing when I was cribbing about him to my teammate, executing the wrong query and crashing the database...and my boss saying "Well Amit, you need to scale up your managerial skills".
Well I had enough already. And now to top with the repeated request for the credit card I never asked for nor am I interested in!
As I got into the bus, I was thinking what could make the day better for me...simply something which could wipe away the sour feeling of a bad day.
There she was...at the first row seat as usual.
There was something about her spring curls.And her honey colored skin..that was a perfect touch of natural beauty.
It was indeed a blessing , watch her enjoy every minute of her ride in her own way. Smile at the kids playing in the rain...help the old lady with her bag...smile at some thought unexpectedly.
Its awesome that such beauty comes with such a kind heart too..If only I could talk to her for a minute.If only I could simply ask her name...
/******************************************************************************************************************************/
"Boss, I got the same list yesterday also. And I contacted each one of them.And they are not interested in our credit card.".
"Look Preethy...its about perseverance and convincing your prospects and making them into customers. If we were to contact only the real needed ones, I needn't employ people like you over here. Do you understand that?"
Well...there couldn't be anything more to add to the bad day I am having. It was not the first time I was calling this Amit .And it was not the first time he was bashing me for disturbing him.
I know he doesn't need the credit card...but what could I do if boss adds his number to my list of prospects every other day!
As I got into the bus, I was thinking what could make the day better for me...simply something which could wipe away the sour feeling of a bad day.
There he was...at the second last seat as usual.
There was something about his innocent smile.In these days of only cunning ones.
It was indeed a blessing , watch him enjoy every minute of his ride in his own way. Smile at the kids playing in the rain...help the old man with the seat...smile at some thought unexpectedly.
Its awesome that such high profiles comes with such a kind heart too...If only I had his number in my list of callers...I wouldn't be having a bad day like this everyday!
..............................................................................................
Amit still receives Preethy's calls and he bashes her.
And wishes if he could talk to her in the bus, in the evening.
Preethy curses Amit after every call.
And wishes every evening if Amit could be in her prospects list the next day .
Life goes on
‘Sir, another body found…the total count is 21 now’ the inspector informed him.
This time it was a young woman. Aged about 20 years. Yellow shirt and brown skirt. Is that all you could say about the girl?
It may not say that she lived a life full of dreams. Not that she must have been on the way to fulfill them.
That she never imagined a small fault in the boat would bring an end to her life and drown her dreams in the depths of the lake.
Her photo also went to the board that displayed the unidentified bodies, while her parents moved madly among the other bodies laid on the other corridor of the hospital.
He had had enough for the day. 15 bodies had already gone through his hands.
And this girl reminded him of Janaki who was coming home after two years.
He had promised to be there at the railway station to pick her .As always he knew she would understand her dad and his job.
It was always so with her. He couldn't be there on her first day in school. It was then, that the angry mob had destroyed the church in the town.
On the annual day in her final year in school, he was so proud that he could see her recieve the best student award, but then the minister suddenly changed plans of his visit to the town and he had to accompany the security.
Neither could he be there to see her off when she went to university far from home. She was scared, she was nervous.
All he could do was kiss her forehead while she was sleeping on the night before, and leave early morning for the special duty at the site of communal violence.
Even then, whenever her mother complained furiously of daddy not being home when needed, she tried to pacify her and justify him.
"Sir..22 now"...said a voice from his back.
As he looked at the swollen face of another young girl, he sighed .
At least Janaki was alive. She was there somewhere near by.Still living her dreams. Still hoping for a day when she can spend the entire day with her dad sharing stories from college.
But what could he tell those parents still searcing for their dear daughter in the pile of bodies...
This time it was a young woman. Aged about 20 years. Yellow shirt and brown skirt. Is that all you could say about the girl?
It may not say that she lived a life full of dreams. Not that she must have been on the way to fulfill them.
That she never imagined a small fault in the boat would bring an end to her life and drown her dreams in the depths of the lake.
Her photo also went to the board that displayed the unidentified bodies, while her parents moved madly among the other bodies laid on the other corridor of the hospital.
He had had enough for the day. 15 bodies had already gone through his hands.
And this girl reminded him of Janaki who was coming home after two years.
He had promised to be there at the railway station to pick her .As always he knew she would understand her dad and his job.
It was always so with her. He couldn't be there on her first day in school. It was then, that the angry mob had destroyed the church in the town.
On the annual day in her final year in school, he was so proud that he could see her recieve the best student award, but then the minister suddenly changed plans of his visit to the town and he had to accompany the security.
Neither could he be there to see her off when she went to university far from home. She was scared, she was nervous.
All he could do was kiss her forehead while she was sleeping on the night before, and leave early morning for the special duty at the site of communal violence.
Even then, whenever her mother complained furiously of daddy not being home when needed, she tried to pacify her and justify him.
"Sir..22 now"...said a voice from his back.
As he looked at the swollen face of another young girl, he sighed .
At least Janaki was alive. She was there somewhere near by.Still living her dreams. Still hoping for a day when she can spend the entire day with her dad sharing stories from college.
But what could he tell those parents still searcing for their dear daughter in the pile of bodies...
Jun 4, 2007
Things to live with-1!
Regrets...may be the second last thing you would want to live with. First of course would be corrupted conscience? I think it would be really hard to live a peacuful life with your conscience troubling you for your past. May be we need to talk about that in a entire new discussion but, for now...its about regrets. By regrets...it means different.
Regrets...feeling sorry for the decisions that you took for yourself...feeling sorry for the things that you didn't do ,which you fondly cherished to do, feeling sorry for going away from people who you wanted to hold on for the entire life of yours...
It is really hard to live with them. The thought that you have lost them all...those moments that could be yours...those feelings those emotions those dreams that could be yours...those people that could be yours...but no more!
Sometimes, it is important that you take a step away from your own life and watch the entire life of yours as the audience. just like a movie, when all the scenes pass by, you would wonder, how stupid or foolish is the hero of he story. How important it was for him/her to act differently and how easily he /she gave up. Gave up? Some people call it losing the battle, some people call it a great sacrifice and some people call it fate. Whatever, the bottom line is ...you have lost it all.
And if you thought, this realization would drive your life better, you could be absolutely wrong. You would continue to make those regretful decisions, you would still continue to ignore people when they are with you , you would continue to hold on to the self without letting it lose, you would continue to prevent yourself from doing things that you really want to do and ...then one fine day again ask yourself helplessly and regretfully "What have I been doing".
Its not easy to live it ...but still it seems to be the way of life.!
Regrets...feeling sorry for the decisions that you took for yourself...feeling sorry for the things that you didn't do ,which you fondly cherished to do, feeling sorry for going away from people who you wanted to hold on for the entire life of yours...
It is really hard to live with them. The thought that you have lost them all...those moments that could be yours...those feelings those emotions those dreams that could be yours...those people that could be yours...but no more!
Sometimes, it is important that you take a step away from your own life and watch the entire life of yours as the audience. just like a movie, when all the scenes pass by, you would wonder, how stupid or foolish is the hero of he story. How important it was for him/her to act differently and how easily he /she gave up. Gave up? Some people call it losing the battle, some people call it a great sacrifice and some people call it fate. Whatever, the bottom line is ...you have lost it all.
And if you thought, this realization would drive your life better, you could be absolutely wrong. You would continue to make those regretful decisions, you would still continue to ignore people when they are with you , you would continue to hold on to the self without letting it lose, you would continue to prevent yourself from doing things that you really want to do and ...then one fine day again ask yourself helplessly and regretfully "What have I been doing".
Its not easy to live it ...but still it seems to be the way of life.!
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